As a child I tried so summon God by asking Him to give me a sign. To displace something in my room only I would notice. To show me a rainbow, or many falling stars. A special animal, anything! He never did. My mum said it had to do with my belief, it had to be genuine and heartfelt. Wanting a sign was wrong. But the whole point was that I wanted proof, so I could start believing. (Hello autism.)
I am drawn to churches. The quiet, the dedicated space, the rituals, the smell, the connection between people. I observe and keep my distance. I pose as the art lover looking at the fresco’s. But while admiring the art I always try to pick up something. Just in case the Old Man (woman?) wants to connect.
My longing for something bigger has always been there. First I thought it had to be God, then I turned to the spirit world (age 14 :), and as an adult I looked at art, at science, at philosophy and nature. Of course I came to realise everything is about belief in a way. The beauty that is in us and around us is the proof I was looking for as a child. The miracle of cells, of wonder of elements, the enigma of imagination and love of birds coming from eggs. The world and the universe. Everything connected in The All. (Hello autism!)
But still. While enduring the complicated stuff live throws at us this autist has a certain (ahem) need for rituals. So I carry amulets, have ‘meaningful’ tattoos, and favourite jewellery for special occasions. And now I made myself some prayer beads. About The All. Still waiting for some Holy Touch. Sigh.
I wish I had a religion.